up, then down.

thankfully, things worked themselves out between jason and myself. 
the love is still burning strong. 

i feel that if you have enough love, thats all you need. and apparently we have enough. 

after that happy news, im sad to report that we had to put down buddy today. what a great kitty he was. i swear he was part greyhound, and was at least two feet tall, which is tall for a cat. we just couldnt see him suffer anymore. we dont really know what happened to the poor little guy, but he must have caught something that made his body shut down. it happened really fast too, he lost a bunch of weight, and couldnt get his red blood cell count up. this morning he was laying on the couch with me, and his breathing was short little gasps. it was painful to watch him suffer like that, so it was time. 

ill miss you little guy, you were the best cat a girl could ever ask for. rest in peace little bud bud. 


gut wrenching sadness.

yesterday the sky started to fall. 
im so sad, i dont even know where to begin. 
the man i love says he no longer feels the same way. 
i was supposed to move across the country to be with him in four days. 
im not going anymore. 

im so sad, 
how could everything i was ever sure about be so totally wrong? 
who can talk sense into the man that i love so utterly deeply??

what am i going to do with myself?
how am i going to find the strength to re-tell the story time and time again as people wonder why im still here?
more importantly, what am i going to do with myself? 
how am i going to hold back the tears as my heart breaks time and time again?
how do i stop the burning pain in my chest?
how do i sleep the entire night, and not lie there in total shock quivering with tears?

i love him. 
i love him so much. 
i still love him even though he made me feel like this.
am i stupid for feeling this way?

i love him.. 
i love him.


ranting and raving.

snapshot of my annoyances. 

current time: 2:31am 
- man, or men outside screaming at the tops of their lungs. and im not sitting here in silence. the tv is on, obviously im clicking away on the keyboard. and i can still hear him crying out.. for what? im not sure. 

- 90 thousand sirens of all sorts at all times. most likely responding to all sorts of different calls. from my window i can see at least 10 other high-rise buildings, and that is without craning my neck to see the others. a butt load of people rock it hard in the ghetto.. every once and a while you get to see some kind of show, its normally an apartment fire, which is intense to watch.

normal business hours
- continuos tapping, hammering like sounds. we've lived in this apartment for going on two years, and we still dont completely know what the noises are. we have become informed that the people below us are architect students at ryehigh... but it still sounds like its coming from upstairs.. how they could continually be upgrading their apartment for over two years without being finished is mind boggling. 

- the shitty show called "keys to the vip". lamest show ever. i should change the station.